Grievance Raffle Winners 2019
Every year, F5K invites runners to Air their Grievances on race day. A grievance an opportunity to openly share your disappointment about something. If you need some inspiration, here are our past winners:
2. Why can't I make a living off being an elf?
3. Race day. 2 minutes to use the bathroom. 7 minutes to get the toilet paper off the roll!
5. Lots of square pegs. Not enough round holes.
6. The older I get, the faster I used to be.
7. People who leave :02 on the microwave and don't clear it.
8. Count Chocula cereal isn't available year-round and that is a tragedy.
9. The misuse of the eggplant emoji.
10. My annoying classmates won't be quiet during class.
The smell of the Witch City Mall--help!
This race needs more 2XL shirts for fat people.
People who have never seen the cinematic tour-de-force that is Roadhouse! SHAME!
People who bring young children to breweries and then complain the atmosphere isn't family-friendly.
When I dress as Chandler for the costume contest and then realize I am in the wrong show.
Dog owners who bag the poop but leave the bags. No, you are not picking it up later. You are not fooling anyone.
Grievance Raffle Winners 2018
1. No, that's not a stripper's pole!
2. Not having a lawn to shout "Get off my lawn!"
3. A Squatty Potty is NOT a suitable Christmas gift.
4. "My Pillow" doesn't work for me.
5. When I found out baby carrots are not "baby" at all. They are just ground down regular carrots.
6. My cat doesn't bury its poo in the box.
7. When your 32 year old son asks "what's for dinner?"
8. October 1st to November 1st in Salem.
9. "Ass Man" license plate already taken! Bummer.
10. What? No meatloaf? What kind of Festivus is this?
Grievance Raffle Winners 2017
1. That my parents chose to drag me kicking and screaming from a peaceful eternity of non-existence and forced me to live in this wretched world.
3. When you text your boss when it was intended for your boyfriend!
4. When you tell a "friend" that you had a personal race record and they ask you if there was a tail wind!
5. People who peel stickers off of a Rubix cube.
6. Global warming isn't happening fast enough.
7. When you're 51, drive to Six Flags and are told you're too short to ride on the roller-coaster.
8. Can we please get a Comcast bill that is not the size of a mortgage payment!!
9. I got a problem with Salem! Why do they have a Peabody Essex Museum in Salem? Do Peobody and Essex have a Salem Museum?
10. My little brother.
3. Man buns.
4. Roller Palace keeps NOT closing, prompting multiple "last chance to skate with me" Facebook posts.
5. The electoral college.
6. The bar opens at 11 AM!
7. My spouse leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor for 27 years!
8. I hate that coffee makes me faster, but also gives me the runs--and not the good kind.
9. My cactus passed away when Trump won.
10. When your mom forces you to smile in a picture or you lose your phone.
1. Rick Johnson (Festivus 5K Race Diretor) gets younger looking every year. HOW DOES HE DO IT?
2. In 1983, my sister took markers and drew on my Barbie's face to make her a clown Barbie. She promised it would wash off. It didn't.
3. Every time I ask if they are real and spectacular at the office, I have to talk to HR??
4. When you're trying to buy a marble rye for a race prop and the old bag in front of you grabs the last one.
5. I hate that in the Empire Strikes Back, Lando double crosses Han Solo then has the audacity to wear his clothes when he flies away with Chewy in the Millennium Falcon.
6. When you have a muffin top in your running pants.
7. Adele. Because does she know how to sing a happy song?
8. Cialis commercials during Patriots games. "What's that for Dad?"
9. When people microwave fish at the office.
10. Where is Seinfeld? My grievance is--Seinfeld never shows!
1. Bathroom selfies.
2. It should be socially acceptable to drape myself in velvet.
3. The entire month of October.
4. Can't find any good proctologists in Salem, Ma! Why?
5. I have run the same 5K race for the last 2 years. I was beaten by the same Golden Retriever both fucking times.
6. My fish keep dying. Should I feed them?
7. When you order a medium coffee at Starbucks and they look at you like you're from Mars and say "what's a medium?"
8. When I lose in Mario. Game over.
9. Miley Cyrus.
10. When you see someone put a bunch of grievances in the bucket--get therapy!
- Patrick Swayze did not win an Oscar for "Road House".
- When a person starts a race early just because a car backfires.
- I hate it when my sister looks and stares at me.
- I hate running. And runners.
- What's worse? Having to wear an out of date shirt or having to wear the puffy shirt?
- People who decide best grievances suck! Clearly mine was the best last year and wasn't acknowledged.
- Rick Johnson for School Committee #4.
- It's been 360 days since Santa gave me a day off.
- I've got a real problem with my friend Dan Forster continually flaunting his Herculean "feats of strength" and leaving "the rest of us" old farts gasping and heaving in his wake.
- Damn runners! They think they own the roads!
- Egg nog is only available in stores for 2 months of the year. Why?
- Why is Festivus for the rest of us? Why isn’t it just for me?
- When people don’t recognize differences (aka disabilities) as a chance to love and learn.
- Winter makes my butt look big.
- People who smile too much.
- I think the Ginger Ale at Finz is just Coke and Sprite mixed. How can I prove it? Can’t. Dammit.
- Dr. Oz.
- There is no Federal funding for big foot research.
- My grievance is with runner 446 who never heard of Festivus and tried to cram over the Internet. I challenge him to Feats of Strength!
- In-laws that spitefully invite us to Christmas every year. This year’s invite went like this: “I’m not going to call to invite you, but you can show up.” Ugh.
- My boss sucks.
- Tights are not pants.
- People who fart in front of you, leaving you to smell their running gas!
- Restaurants that require shirts and shoes, but not pants. I want people to wear pants when I go out to eat.